Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
I read Nan Goldin’s book, The Ballad of Sexual Dependency, a few months ago. Although I love her approach to photography and her photographs (she is a renegade! In the ‘70s and ‘80s she used a snapshot approach to photograph what her real life looked and felt like to her. At the time, this was not commonly done in photography), what I love more than her photography, is how she shared her photographs. When she had made work, she would gather her friends and host a slide show of the photographs she had made during that particular time. In her book, she tells a story about how her friends would be excited to see if they were in the slide show! So, I am going to borrow from Nan’s approach and host a slide show of my actual life! I would love to do this in person, like Nan, however, it’s impossible for me to take my show on the road to each of you so I’ll do mine virtually. Instead, I’ll gather my favourite photographs or videos and make a slide show to share with my friends.
A note about the music. I’m choosing songs I’m listening to at the time I’m making the photographs for each month’s slide show. This month I chose adore u by fred again. fred again uses his actual life to make and produce his music. I love his process and how to shares his work. fred wrote adore u for his younger sister. If you listen to his lyrics, they are beautiful. I often run to this song and find myself thinking about the lines,
You walk through life just like a dancer
If I had my way, everyday would be a parade
…
And I pray, pray you never lose your star
I'm so proud, proud of all that you are
The second song I chose is George Harrison’s version of Here Comes the Sun. Miles and Margot’s school plays music each morning before announcements. I happen to be in the school one morning and heard the Beatles version of Here Comes the Sun playing on the loud speaker. I loved the feeling I had while listening to this song in their school.
Last! We were lucky enough to watch Miles perform two plays at The Citadel in Edmonton this month! You will see him on stage, first as a duck wearing a baseball hat, and second as a make up artist wearing many colours! (SO PROUD OF HIM!)
Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
Now that I’m (unfortunately) part of the one parent club (a club I did not ask or want to join), i find myself thinking about what I’ve lost and hanging on too lightly to the loss. Today in my journal I asked myself “what if I start focusing on what you do have (instead of what you don’t have)?”
Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
Last weekend Margot and I flew to Qualicum Beach to visit my dad and attend MY FIRST GALLERY EXHIBITION! Mothering Without a Mother is now out in the world at The Old School House in Qualicum Beach, BC, Canada! The experience was invigorating!
Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
Okay. Dear intimacy. I’m going to start again. What would you have me know today? I would have, you know what I'm thinking. So I'm thinking a lot about motherhood and creativity. I'm reading this book that my mentor / friend Illana Hester recommended probably two years ago, The Baby on the Fire Escape. The author, Julie Phillips, talks about the intersection of motherhood and creativity
If you're a mom, there's this myth, I guess, that you have two selves at two times. At one point in time (or in the day), you're a mother. and then at a different point in time, you may have free time, so you step into your creative self. But the author suggests, actually maybe not, why don't we let go of that narrative and rethink things.
Every time you feel tension, or there's some struggle, this is the time where to make the work. This is the creative point. And it's the undoing that maybe pushes you creatively. And possibly to become a better mother, person, creative. To think of this time as a renewing or a rebirth.
Renewing, a new way to do things. So this is what I'm doing. You know, I felt like I've come undone. But now, I can look at things as a rebirth. Instead of getting frustrated when I can't do my work because, for example, Miles and Margot are interrupting (and I'm sure that I'm not the only one) I'm welcoming the interruption and using this as inspiration. Maybe I can make work now, maybe I can have a thought or an inspiration. Maybe I can use the interruption for a creative purpose?
Secondly, I’m riding the bike because I’m still injured. And I'm not a very good bike rider. I'm hearing people in the cycling world talk about watts and I don't really know what that was until I started cycling. When I bike ride, I have zero watts. So low. Today, I was riding and I was planning on doing an easy ride and then I really got into it the cycling class. We were doing sprints at a high resistance and cadence. I thought to myself, I don't think I can do this. And then I did it! I really did it. And my thought was “look at my legs go!”
All of this is just cycling in my basement on a Saturday morning. But I had put this boundary on myself that I had set unwittingly. I didn't realize it, but today, I broke the boundary. Think about all these boundaries that we can break, all the boundaries that we've created for ourselves that we haven't realized.
I'm proud of myself. I'm proud of myself for breaking my cycling boundary. But I'm also proud of myself for giving myself grace. It's okay and I'm going to move forward in a new way,
Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
Okay, I'm gonna record this thinking that I'm just speaking to myself. I'm not thinking about the audience because once you think about the audience, it becomes, not yourself. So I'm going to go back to what I was doing. Borrowing from Elizabeth Gilbert, Dear Intimacy. What would you have me know today?
I would tell myself just it's okay just to meet yourself where you are. But as myself, I would tell intimacy that I'm having a really hard time. Actually, a really hard time. I feel like I'm not contributing to anything. Zero. Nothing. I'm checked out of everything. I feel like I'm not present with my kids.
Last night, we had the celebration of learning at their school. Margot, who is in kindergarten, and Miles who is in grade three, and we get 20 minutes to go into their classroom. They show us their work and they show us, Margot showed us where she sat on the carpet, number 13, their blocks, they play with, and her word book, where she's writing.
Miles is doing Tunisian knitting, which I didn't know what that was, and it's amazing. He showed a science experiment where they use balloons to power a rocket to fly across the room. But I’m totally checked out.
And then, I have an injury with running. My ankle is a reoccurring injury and I keep pushing it. I keep running through it which makes things worse. I keep running on it even though there's some slight discomfort. But now it's to the point where I just can't run. Maybe I could push through, but it's gonna get way worse if I do. So I stopped And I'm writing the goddamn bike.
I just want to run, but I'm riding the bike. And I also just feel like I'm not contributing to society, to our household, and creating anxiety for people around me. Oh, it's just the weirdest feeling. And it's come at the strangest time, because I have my exhibition. My first exhibition is coming op, we're flying on Sunday, and I feel the worst I've ever felt. Well not ever ,but one of the lowest times….And it's paradoxically supposed to be the best time because I'm celebrating my work.
Just don't feel like celebrating it. I miss my mom, of course, I miss my mom. Like grief is not linear. It's getting harder. It's been two years and it's actually It was like, It's not getting easier. And so, I'm saying all this, because I don't know what to do.
I had a meeting with my mentor, friend, I can say Jenna Shouldice… she's the best. She’s helping me teaching me, mentoring me, with photography. I told her all this, everything came out yesterday. She said you can put art out into the world. That's what you're doing.
So I'm going to do it, I'm going to put my art out into the world. I'll use my blog and I'm going to post pictures every day. I sometimes go to post, but won’t because I don't know the words to say with my pictures. So the words end up blocking me, and I stop and don't post anything.
But I want to post something. So, I'm going to put pictures up on my blog every day. Okay.
Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
I've had the urge to call my mom. Not for any reason, to say hi and ask her what her and my dad are having for dinner. Actually, my body is going into full feeling mode. This March will be 2 years since my mom died and I thought these griefy feelings would come in March. But, as I am still learning, life doesn't follow a plan (not that I have a plan for my grief!)
I've tried "talking" with my mom by pretending she’s still here to chat with. Doesn't work for me. Instead I made TWELVE minute slideshow of my favorite photographs from September 2024 - now, two of her favorite songs, and one super cute video of my mom tickling Miles on his first birthday. I guess this is my way of “talking” with my mom.
Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
After decades of not listening to my intuition, one of my goals for this year is to listen to my intuition and follow through on what my intuition is telling me. But, how do you know when you should ignore your intuition? I had a dream about using my intuition the night I wrote this goal.
Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
My mentor asked me to think about my goals for this year and come prepared to talk about my goals next week during our class. As such, my mind has been thinking about my goals. One of my goals is to be vulnerable, intimate, and honest with myself, and to share my reflections on my blog. I don't want to make a blog post for the sake of making a blog post. I'm going to use my blog to actually say something and be vulnerable....because, if not, what's the point? I like to think of a time when a reporter told Roger Ebert he writes like it's a matter of life and death. Roger Ebert replied, that's because it is. I guess I'm tired of playing it safe.
Below is a reflection about competition I had this morning during my run.
Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
This Christmas was wonderful. I don’t know how this happened because on Christmas morning I was curled up in a ball under the covers missing my mom and not wanting to get out of bed. The holidays have become A Hard Time for me. Den and I were chatting and he reminded me that Miles and Margot still believe in Santa and these days won’t last forever. Hearing their tiny voices on Christmas morning was a beauty emergency. (and I wish my mom was here to hear these voices). I love how Miles and Margot fully embrace everything about December. I read something the other day about wholeness - happiness and joy are nice to feel when they happen, but it’s the grief, heartbreak, mistakes, loss, love, hope, pain, vulnerability, fatigue, and joy that make us whole. I keep coming back to Kintsugi, the Japanese art form that repairs broken pottery with gold. The idea is to celebrate the imperfections of the pottery instead of hiding them.
Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
I want to run The Great World Race (7 marathons in 7 days on 7 continents). Why? My video explains everything. The race entry fee is $88,673 Canadian dollars. I don’t have $88, 673. Here is how you can support me! Donate.
And! When you give a donation over $100, you will receive a fine art photograph from my print shop. My kids, Miles and Margot, want to gift you something! So, they will make a friendship bracelet to accompany your fine art photograph. (Print Shop is coming soon so in the meantime please contact me at meganlefebvrephotography@gmail.com to enquire!)
Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
Could I be a person who runs 7 marathons in 7 days on 7 continents?
I didn’t understand the phenomenon of running a race in memory of someone who had died until my mom died. I had / have a strong impulse to run a race for her. Recently I followed 55 runners complete the Great World Race and found myself wondering could be a person who runs 7 marathons in 7 days on 7 continents. There it is. I’ve put the thought out into the universe.
Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
I’m participating in a one year photography mentorship with three other students and a teaching assistant. We meet every Tuesday on zoom to learn about and discuss photography (and life!). We call ourselves JAMMS². As per current events, this week we started by chatting about the US election. By the end of our chat, it felt like we were rallying for humanity! We agreed that, as artists, this is our time to rise up, to make art that makes people feel something, and put this art out into the world.
On my run this morning I was thinking about this chat from class. Art is about emotion. It's about love, death, hope, heartbreak, pain, anger, pride, growth, regret, struggle, grief, life, loss, and joy. Art forces us to confront our vulnerabilities and our mortality. Art forces us to question our beliefs, our values, what we find shocking, and why. In other words, art forces us to question who we are. Moreover, when an artist put their art into the world they are showing us their humanity, and this act allows us to tap into our humanity.
This is a photograph I took of my daughter, Margot, when she was 3.5 years old. She’s crying because she had dropped her lollipop. Coincidently, my mom died around this time. Maybe Margot’s outward tears were a reflection of my inward tears? Before my mom died I had a hard time making a photograph like this. Somehow, making these kinds of photographs don’t feel so hard anymore.
Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
When I was growing up my dad owned a hotel called the Pink Flamingo. We lived in White Rock and the Pink Flamingo was about a 40 minute drive along the King George Highway in Whalley. Along the 40 minute drive there were, from time to time, sex workers. As my brother and I were very young, my mom didn't want us to see these sex workers so she made up games for us to play. One of these games was called "let's close our eyes and see who can keep their eyes closed for the longest." If you know me, you know I am just a little bit competitive, and I wanted to win the close your eyes games every time.
And I did! (similar to how I won all the running races against my brother when my dad would time us running around our house).
Yesterday I felt like my body was both transported back in time 38 years and into my mom's body. I drove Miles, Margot, and I to the post office which in a dodgy-sh part of town. I promised my kids we could go to the dollar store after the post office. In between the post office and the dollar store there were two people sitting on the curb, on their blanket, surrounded by all of their belongings, smoking drugs. I didn't want to walk through this situation with my curious kids. So, although I wasn't in an 1980s Astro minivan, I felt like my mom asking Miles and Margot to close their eyes while I drove the 30 seconds passed the people on the curb. Do you know the best part? I loved feeling like my mom. I used to do everything in my power to not be like my mom. How funny life is. Times like these, feeling like my mom, don’t come often. Now I welcome and savoir these feelings.
Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
Over the weekend I had a terrible falling out with one of my best friends. I made a mistake. We had a conversation Monday morning, both apologized, and wished we had this conversation 48 hours earlier. It was a miscommunication. Over those 48 hours, however, my body was preparing to grieve the loss of a great friendship. It was wild, my body just went there - right to grief. Maybe my body is already here? Always sitting with grief so grief is never far away?
Over these 48 hours I had two wonderful experiences. One of them in which I found myself thinking "what a great time to be alive!" Later I would consider that this is how I can hold two very different feelings at the same time.
Over these 48 hours I also had honest conversations with myself. I did make a mistake, and I admitted this. Part of me is relieved to make a mistake. I finally made a mistake. For a while, I've been trying too hard to keep things together, gently placing one more card on top of the fragile house of cards. And then I was tired/grieving/missing my mom/worried about my dad/trying to find time to meet Den in the bedroom/playing endless games of Clue (which I love), and I finally made a mistake.
Do you know what? Things are okay. Actually better than okay. Monday morning I drove to my friend's house to drop off banana bread, a photograph I printed for her, and give her a giant hug. The next day when she text messaged me saying now that I have very red hair, I should go as Ginger Spice for Halloween. Specifically the version of Ginger Spice who wore the union Jack flag as an outfit, but then considered this version of Ginger maybe slightly inappropriate for the Edmonton winterish weather. When I read her text message I felt my body relax and become full of excitement. This text message has become one of my favorite text messages I have received.
My day ended even better when, while on the 12 minute drive to YEG Gymnastics for Margot's gymnastics class (and to play yet another game of Clue with Miles while we waited for Margot), I called my dad. We chatted about the Yankees post season performance. We chatted how Stanton's legs haven't been great for a few years ago and how I Derek Jeter has potentially let me down. I realized that I have been listening to and chatting with my dad about baseball for most of my life. His baseball chatter, along with Buck Martinez, makes up part of the soundtrack to my life. This also made me feel great.
Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
Here's the thing. I won't be posting on Instagram anymore. I've been considering leaving Instagram for awhile and revisited this thought after having two experiences. The first experience was 19ish months ago with my mom when she was in the hospital in Comox, BC, isolated in the ICU . My dad and I drove up from Qualicum Beach to Comox to spend the day with her. Once we were gowned up and sitting around her, I was chatting about photography. I can't remember how Instagram came up but it did. My mom cautioned me against posting my photography and personal reflections on a public platform which owns my data as soon as I post. I knew she was right, but me being me, I refused to listen and continued to fight her! The me now, 19 months after my mom died, wished I had stopped fighting her. She is my mom! All the way until the day she died, she was trying to take care of me. And I fought her.
The second experience was a few days ago when I met with a mentor over zoom. He was teaching and helping me to select photographs to include in my long-term photography project, Mothering without a Mother. He reiterated what I had been thinking: People spend 2-3 seconds looking at your photography and then move on. Don't follow what you "should do", make your own path. Most of all, he encouraged me to keep going! Practice photography everyday, write every day. Keep going.
I've reached out to a few artists I want to learn from. Their message is the same: Keep going. Do the work. But actually it's not work! I practice photography everyday and not once do I think of photography as work. Before returning to photography, however, I spent years doing a lot of things I really didn't want to do. Today I find it freeing to get to practice something everyday which I love.
So, after hearing my mom's voice in my head for 19 months I've decided to stop fighting her and listen. Mom!! Where ever you are, look!!! I'm not on Instagram! Instead I’ll be writing my reflections and sharing my work on my blog. And I love you.
Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
Image made by Christian Sunde, from Metaphors of Intimacy. August 24 - October 22, 1990. Robert B. Menschel Gallery. Syracuse, NY, USA