Dear Intimacy,

What would you have me know today?

Okay, I'm gonna record this thinking that I'm just speaking to myself. I'm not thinking about the audience because once you think about the audience, it becomes, not yourself. So I'm going to go back to what I was doing. Borrowing from Elizabeth Gilbert, Dear Intimacy. What would you have me know today?

I would tell myself just it's okay just to meet yourself where you are. But as myself, I would tell intimacy that I'm having a really hard time. Actually, a really hard time. I feel like I'm not contributing to anything. Zero. Nothing. I'm checked out of everything. I feel like I'm not present with my kids.

Last night, we had the celebration of learning at their school. Margot, who is in kindergarten, and Miles who is in grade three, and we get 20 minutes to go into their classroom. They show us their work and they show us, Margot showed us where she sat on the carpet, number 13, their blocks, they play with, and her word book, where she's writing.

Miles is doing Tunisian knitting, which I didn't know what that was, and it's amazing. He showed a science experiment where they use balloons to power a rocket to fly across the room. But I’m totally checked out.

And then, I have an injury with running. My ankle is a reoccurring injury and I keep pushing it. I keep running through it which makes things worse. I keep running on it even though there's some slight discomfort. But now it's to the point where I just can't run. Maybe I could push through, but it's gonna get way worse if I do. So I stopped And I'm writing the goddamn bike.

I just want to run, but I'm riding the bike. And I also just feel like I'm not contributing to society, to our household, and creating anxiety for people around me. Oh, it's just the weirdest feeling. And it's come at the strangest time, because I have my exhibition. My first exhibition is coming op, we're flying on Sunday, and I feel the worst I've ever felt. Well not ever ,but one of the lowest times….And it's paradoxically supposed to be the best time because I'm celebrating my work.

Just don't feel like celebrating it. I miss my mom, of course, I miss my mom. Like grief is not linear. It's getting harder. It's been two years and it's actually It was like, It's not getting easier. And so, I'm saying all this, because I don't know what to do.

I had a meeting with my mentor, friend, I can say Jenna Shouldice… she's the best. She’s helping me teaching me, mentoring me, with photography. I told her all this, everything came out yesterday. She said you can put art out into the world. That's what you're doing.

So I'm going to do it, I'm going to put my art out into the world. I'll use my blog and I'm going to post pictures every day. I sometimes go to post, but won’t because I don't know the words to say with my pictures. So the words end up blocking me, and I stop and don't post anything.

But I want to post something. So, I'm going to put pictures up on my blog every day. Okay.