Mothering without a Mother
Mothering without a Mother is my documentary photography project exploring my experience mothering without my mother. On March 23, 2023, my mom died while my brother, dad, and I held her hand. I remember thinking that time felt strange. I wanted my mom to hurry up and die because I didn’t want her to be in pain. But I also wanted time to stop, because this was the only time I had left with her; 41 years was not enough time.
Shortly afterward, I asked myself, ‘How do I mother without my mother?’ Subsequently I began photographing my kids, Miles and Margot, differently. I felt free to photograph my kids how I saw, and felt, when I was with them.
A year after my mom’s death, I was in a grief spiral. Instead of being okay with where I was in my grief, I kept moving by doing everything more: More running, photography, and parenting. It took my husband to, gently, pull me out of my spiral. Somehow, I decided to let go of the anger I didn’t know I was holding. Although this is hard to admit, I stopped fighting my role as a mother. It took me eight years to finally let go and allow myself to see and be with my kids.
I’m making photographs of my experience as a mother without my mother so that I can learn, and as Cig Harvey says, “listen to what the work is telling me.” I’m also making these photographs for Miles and Margot to show them how much I love them. Ultimately, however, I’m making these photographs for myself and my mom. I must believe, somehow, she is “up there” with us. These photographs are my way to let her know that we are okay.
A lot of experiences with Motherhood and photography are lessons I’ve learned from the work of those who have come before me. I learned how to metaphorically put myself, as a mother, in the photograph from Sally Mann and her work in Immediate Family. Maggie Steber and her Secret Garden of Lily LaPalma taught me how to let go and photograph in a way which feels right for me. I learned how to show intimacy from Elinor Carucci’s intensely personal work in Closer; Mother; and Midlife. Susan Meiselas and her long-term documentary work, Carnival Strippers and Prince Street Girls, continue to remind and teach me about the importance of being present with the people you are photographing before you raise the camera to make a photograph. John Dolan and his work in The Perfect Imperfect: The Wedding Photographs, elegantly taught me how to lean into the feeling and experience of making a photograph and gave me the confidence to photograph with joy and freedom. I’ve learned how to see beauty in daily life and the need for and importance of making photographs infused with emotion from Christopher Anderson and his work about his family in Son; Pia; and Marion. Last, my critical friends Laura Hazlett, Sarah Lappano, Marl Looney, Sara Cardoso Silva, Amy Jarrett, and mentor/photographer/curator, Jenna Shouldice continue to teach me how to feel, and then translate these feelings into photographs.