Dear Intimacy,
What would you have me know today?
Over the weekend I had a terrible falling out with one of my best friends. I made a mistake. We had a conversation Monday morning, both apologized, and wished we had this conversation 48 hours earlier. It was a miscommunication. Over those 48 hours, however, my body was preparing to grieve the loss of a great friendship. It was wild, my body just went there - right to grief. Maybe my body is already here? Always sitting with grief so grief is never far away?
Over these 48 hours I had two wonderful experiences. One of them in which I found myself thinking "what a great time to be alive!" Later I would consider that this is how I can hold two very different feelings at the same time.
Over these 48 hours I also had honest conversations with myself. I did make a mistake, and I admitted this. Part of me is relieved to make a mistake. I finally made a mistake. For a while, I've been trying too hard to keep things together, gently placing one more card on top of the fragile house of cards. And then I was tired/grieving/missing my mom/worried about my dad/trying to find time to meet Den in the bedroom/playing endless games of Clue (which I love), and I finally made a mistake.
Do you know what? Things are okay. Actually better than okay. Monday morning I drove to my friend's house to drop off banana bread, a photograph I printed for her, and give her a giant hug. The next day when she text messaged me saying now that I have very red hair, I should go as Ginger Spice for Halloween. Specifically the version of Ginger Spice who wore the union Jack flag as an outfit, but then considered this version of Ginger maybe slightly inappropriate for the Edmonton winterish weather. When I read her text message I felt my body relax and become full of excitement. This text message has become one of my favorite text messages I have received.
My day ended even better when, while on the 12 minute drive to YEG Gymnastics for Margot's gymnastics class (and to play yet another game of Clue with Miles while we waited for Margot), I called my dad. We chatted about the Yankees post season performance. We chatted how Stanton's legs haven't been great for a few years ago and how I Derek Jeter has potentially let me down. I realized that I have been listening to and chatting with my dad about baseball for most of my life. His baseball chatter, along with Buck Martinez, makes up part of the soundtrack to my life. This also made me feel great.